***

It's snowing - big chunky flakes that aren't really sticking but are beautiful. After a week of temperatures in the 70's- it's quite a change.

We're in phase 2 of Spring Things. Dogwoods, hostas, tree leaves, ramps are appearing. Ramps are VERY pungent, lovely leafed bulbs native to these mountains, a cross between onion and garlic. Now, quite the gourmet item - though I can only take them in small quantities - say, included in a sour cream, and walnut omelet. It takes a lot to stand up to them.

Visiting artist Norie was here for three days last week that peaked with another big dinner with grads and others. So far, I've not learned how to relax when we have house guests - and was exhausted, sleeping over 9 hours every night since. Interesting to catch up with someone I knew 25 years ago with a little perspective on our lives.

As for me - grateful! Grateful! Seems every week something gets released, appearances/"reality" are believed a little less, and I feel more open to full spectrum of life.

Still much remaining to do in the semester. Deep breath! Am excited. Art Dept. is buying copies of Dreamweaver, Flash package for Catholicity. Will be able to revamp this site and Sisyphus - hooray! Also (sans software) mind is "dreamweaving" December yoga in South India...,

Metta

Magnolias did turn brown. Weeping cherry is peaking, daffodils still going strong. Red bud and crab apple beginning and signs of life on the dogwood. Lots of rain this spring. It's good for Chuck's mud hole.

The intensity of getting things done at work, preparing for visit from Norie next week, doing afe documents, and a million other things has peaked also! Doing a big dinner again next week - but when am I going to have time to cook for it?

In the midst of all this C finished my taxes and provided me with some information that precipitated the email exchanges below. It's interesting to me for a number of reasons. One is that - at MB's final email, my conditioned reaction was to get mad and respond in kind. It's so tempting to do that because - this is strange to admit - my mind enjoys the argument and winning it. Yikes - it's almost a creative activity.

However, this time was different - I explored allowing MB to be mad and not reacting to his words. (Small piece) of freedom! He has some good points - that are clouded by - beliefs about himself and his job. Of course I never do that!!

It's also interesting because he is not a friend or a colleague. There is nothing to lose (except money, I guess). Anyway here it is.


MB,
-- -- has told me that I paid you $-- in fees this year. This amount puzzles me since I haven't heard from you in several years. In fact I don't even know where your office is in Asheville.

My question today is - given the current financial situation - do you or (company name) have a plan to protect your clients' money? If you don't know or have one - please put me in contact with someone at your branch who does.
Marya


Marya,
I would like to speak with you. Please e-mail me to let me know a good day and time to call you. Thanks.
MB


MB,
I really don't understand what the almost $--- a month fee is paying for in services.

Might be best to turn me over to someone else. Charts and graphs aren't going to cut it.
Marya


Marya,
It is not about charts and graphs. It is about helping you get what you want. There is no one more qualified or experienced than me.

If a qualified physician prescribes a course of treatment for a patient which proves not to work for that patient the most prudent course of action is not to change physicians but to attempt a new course of treatment.

In both cases, it requires communication from both parties in order to achieve the desired outcome.

You say that you have not heard from me in several years. The fact is that when we met on October 18, 2004 to review your holdings and I told you I would contact you the following February for another account review your reply to me was that if we were going to have the same conversation that maybe it would not be worth it to meet.

I subsequently called you on February 8, 2005. I left a voicemail on your cell phone. I invited you to call me to set a review meeting. You did not return my call.

On August 24, 2005 I contacted you via e-mail to invite you to contact me to set a review meeting. Again you did not respond. I was left with the impression that you were content to leave things as they were.

Marya, I will work with you to help you get what you want, whether you want to continue working with me or not. If you are interested, I would be happy to meet with you, with no charts or graphs, to see if we can make things better for you. If you would prefer not to speak with me again I will ask --, my branch manager to select another advisor in my office to contact you. In either case, I wish you all the
best.

Sincerely,
MB



For me it's not really about who called whom when or who said what when. Disputing such things wastes time and reinforces my concerns.

The question is: what is the service I am paying for and what can (name of co.) do to protect my money?

It might be best if I worked with someone else.

Thanks.
Marya



Marya,
I would like the opportunity to meet with you to answer your questions and to suggest to you what we might do differently to meet your needs. I would be happy to come out to Waynesville to meet with you or, if you prefer, you can come to Asheville. If, after meeting with me, you still think that a new advisor is the answer for you I will be happy to introduce you to another advisor in my office. Thanks for your time and consideration.
MB


It's been several emails and I still have no answers -

The question is: what is the service I am paying for and what can (name of company) do to protect my money?

I have no time to meet at this time - (and have no idea where the office is in Asheville.)

Lack of time or not - I would prefer to work with someone else now.

Thanks
Marya,


Marya
I have not tried to answer your questions because it would not be fair to you nor to me to try to do this via e-mail. I have tried to reach you by phone. I have offered to meet with you. I have even offered to drive out to Waynesville to meet with you.

I believe you are fooling yourself to believe that if you just keep changing advisors that somehow things are going to get better for you. The problem is not with the advisor. The problem is that you refuse to take the time needed to establish and maintain a good working relationship with your advisor. When you neglect to return phone calls, ignore invitations to meet and state that you "have no time" you make it impossible for me, or anyone else, to help you.

There is no one more knowledgeable, experienced or dedicated to his clients than I am. Unfortunately, I can only help those who want to be helped.

Best wishes,
MB


I'm so sorry -- (his name). After reading your message, it is clear to me we did not and do not have a good connection (or worse!) Money is business, a very touchy business, and some time ago I lost confidence in you. It's true I no longer wish (to meet) or work with you. It's what I've been saying.

Just for the record - are you refusing to answer my questions unless I agree to meet with you?

Either way, the facts remain - my recent questions are unanswered, and I am very busy. Despite your aversion to email and our poor connection - if you can - please answer and/or put me in contact with someone who can answer -- What is the service I am paying for and what can (company name) do to protect my money given the current economic situation?

As for me, I plan to openly reveal my considerable flaws as a client - which you have outlined above - to my next financial advisor.

Marya Roland

Was in 20's last night - I fear for cherry, magnolia, peach, forsythia , and daffodil blossoms, only open 4 days. Color is magnificent while it lasts! Magnolia, most fragile - oooh hate to see them turn brown again this year.

Had a little Film Fest this weekend. "Down by Law," "Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill," "Baran," (Persian) and "A Mighty Wind." Enjoyed!

About 25 (we lost count) people showed up E. Thompson dinner. Made huge amounts of pesto and linguine. Grads brought stuff so only ran out of dishes and silverware. (We went to plastic utensils and bowls.)

Friday's Junaluska full moon #6 walk was all wind, laughter, and talk. Perhaps more about it later.

Enjoyable times - these days. About 5 weeks of classes and intensity left. So much to do and yet here I am doing this! Back to "work."

Metta -

Cast: Sun, Earth, Moon, Clouds and Earthlings

they cavorted across the sky
in celestial seek and hide
nimbus shrouds and
dazzling drama
queen moon

queen moon
a drama: a darkness
in her diskness grew 'til
it filled her fullness and she
glowed in shade-burnt umber

At play: 3 Planets, 33 Clouds, 3 Humans (Heads Upturned)

"New Yorker" arrived yesterday with Peter Schjeldahl's review of the Whitney Biennial. Am vaguely flattered (usually disagree with Schjeldahl's reviews and think he's pompous! -He came to WCU to speak once, met him, and he was). Schjeldahl said about the same things I did below - comparing Biennial to New Museum's Un-monumental show and noting many of the same artists.

"Contemporary Landscape" show - at Asheville Art Museum with students (years since my last visit) included interesting piece made of pins on wall in shape of French Broad River - by Maya Lin. It was so ethereal - at a distance it looked out of focus. So simple and lovely, perhaps that's the hallmark of all her work, whatever its scale. Video by Laurie Anderson seemed to be a poetic, female version of Matthew Barney (engrossing but beyond full left brain comprehension). J suggested I have grads write reviews of the show - an excellent idea.

*

C paid a guy to work on our pond a couple of weeks ago. Guys with big toys tearing up the earth...now we have a monster mud hole in the back yard. Think it will probably be okay with some work on C's part and might even be a fun project.

*

Last night heard peepers for the first time this year. In C's mud hole? Maybe. Frogs and their sounds - such welcome things. Weeping cherry is about to burst! If all goes well - we'll have great full moon cherry blossom viewing for the first time in several years. It usually snows and kills the blossoms before March full moon. We'll see this time.

Okay, now back to my to-do list. Oooh rolling thunder just now...

Metta

During spring break last week we decided on a last minute trip to NYC for first look at Biennial, arriving the day it opened. I love Whitney Biennials - tho this year's was not a knock-out, there were some faves. One was Daniel Martinez's "Divine Violence." He filled a room with hundreds of gilded plaques carrying the names of terrorist organizations, from Al Qaeda to tiny nationalist and religious groups. Very scary and powerful.

Other memorables were Sherry Levine's bronze undersized pregnant female torsos - scary also, a video juxtaposing a war vet's experiences in Iraq, Germany, and being interviewed by a movie crew about it (Omer Fast), a concrete chain-link fence sculpture (Ruben Ochoa), Charles Long's linear plaster and refuse abstract sculptures formally based on bird poop (!), and John Baldessari's paintings.

I thought overall it was a bit dreary, un-monumental - like the show of that name that continues at the New Museum.

Cai Gao Qiang at Guggenheim was dramatic. His early conceptual underpinnings - (explosives and peace) are formally and conceptually inspirational. In one, he sat in center of concentric dynamite circles while monitoring heart beat and brain waves as it detonated. His recent work including the Toyotas with LED's seems mostly show and makes me wonder if he's lost his edge to $'s. Will be interesting to see what he does at the Beijing Olympics opening.

We also saw Wack! at PS1 - feminist art in the 70's which was surprisingly...dull! We were selective about Chelsea Galleries. (Somehow always find most of the work there tedious.) This time it was more interesting - and yet only recall one I liked - a landscape show.

"Avenue Q" was funny a sort of X-rated, honest about life, yet still sweet - Sesame Street with - Buddhist themes - one song was titled "For Now." Here's some others -"Everyone's a Little Bit Racist," "The Internet is for Porn," "If You Were Gay," "It Sucks to Be Me," "The More You Ruv Someone (the more you want to kill him)." Ha, well, perhaps Buddhist in sense that a total view is presented. Also saw "August: Osage County," an intense, worthy production.

The more I go to NYC, the more enjoyable it is. There's no end of interesting culture, places, neighborhoods, and restaurants.

#

So now am overwhelmed with stuff to do at work. What's coming up and what I'm responsible for doing, hosting, etc is LOOMING. Got to remember to make it fun...

#

today a peach blossom opened
cherry buds turned crimson
daffodils were ready while
nine day lilies bloomed
and withered

#

And a lotus flower from a friend:

"So...I think, in some strange way, that this situation, while causing some pain to both of us, is actually a gift (along with the book.)...I truly am looking forward to not only repairing, but growing, our friendship."

"The strange resonant word "instar" describes the stage between two successive molts...for as it grows, a caterpillar...splits its skin again and again, each stage an instar..."Instar" implies something both celestial and ingrown, heavenly and disastrous, and perhaps change is commonly like that, a buried star between near and far."

-Rebecca Solnit "A Field Guide to Getting Lost"

The celestial full moon eclipse of Feb. 20 was amazing, dramatic, and surprising! Strings of words written after each full moon walk, have not happened this time. Seems I want to write about everything else but that - and so I have.

Heard from friend in Mysore doing Ashtanga yoga with Pattabhi Jois for three months. Oh, it sounds so fabulous. He has easy laid-back days filled with good vegetarian food, study (Sanskrit, yoga), meditation, and friends, days beginning at 3AM and ending 7PM. Am thinking: leave of absence...

Yet more critiques this week. Grads are obviously working only in their "comfort zone." Nevertheless, I've a final hope - get them out of easy zone and rid of rigidity. One of my cherished beliefs is that everyone can be creative if we drop those things - a belief that may itself get dropped!

As for my own comfort zone - there's a colleague at work who for years has pushed me out of mine. He drives me crazy! I HATE certain qualities he has. Everything he does with students (and faculty) is based on whether he likes them or not. He's a patsy, a kiss-ass, and incompetent. Someone called him "Step-and-Fetchit" recently. AND he's deluded!! Am having fantasies of saying truly awful things to him.

There are times -well, as I think of it - most of the time - when I can't even vaguely remember what the issue is with him or why I care. Judgement and struggle pass. At other times, I worry I've hurt his feelings.

Is this my skin (or mind) splitting?

So it comes and goes. What puzzles me is why him? And what's the big deal? There are plenty of people like him in the world, and I accept them without a fight. (Cheri Huber might say - "Are those qualities ones you don't accept and that cause discomfort in yourself?")

Near and far; heavenly and disastrous - the stage between molts.

my door is wide open
today
as cherry buds swell
slightly
all is sky blue and
ready


*

Wrote long though hasty, handwritten (dinosaur with no copies!) letter to friend whom I met in Athens years ago when traveling back from Japan. Also sent Solnit's book "Getting Lost." After hearing from him in December - wrote what's below. It's hard to recognize or even remember one's 20 year old self after so long..

Ages had passed since Attica
a history of three thousand years -
so who was it sharing time and space
who walked up a crooked street and
who ate dolmades at a moonlit cafe?

*

Illusion - confusion! Finally able to articulate some things to share with L. Here is part-

Whatever was going on between us, staying with it has led me to deeper awareness. My knee jerk (karmic) response to anxiety, confusion, hurt is to suffer rather than observe. Often I don't question an impression in the moment because I’m SO SURE it is right (aha! more karma). The next conditioned idea in the line-up is that discussing an issue may exacerbate it.

"Mutual acceptance lies at the heart of the practice of spiritual friendship...Participating with others in honest compassionate dialogue, we see ourselves reflected in ways we are unlikely to notice on our own. To know myself is to know you; to know you is to know myself...Offering ourselves as mirrors for each other becomes a breathtaking act of love."

-Sara Jenkins "Hello at Last"

 

Rainy day and so dark. Oooh, big clap of thunder - must be getting cold again. Technically it's dead of winter. Everything is in shades of gray and brown today....however, in the back yard are emerging clumps of green and white. Just when it seems winter is unchanging and forever - up come croci!

Colleague and I are going forward with Catholic Experiences or whatever it's going to be called - web site. As I told Dave last night, creativity has to come out somehow, somewhere. Board up the studio, lose your tools, an artist's energy just pops up in another place like...croci in February. It's fun already.

 

Can feel the Prana today. It made the clouds race. It blew right through my running shoes to my toes! Blew through my head, legs, torso, arms - dispersing everything and leaving me empty and transparent.

Blew away all my social busy-ness from yesterday. Blew away afterthoughts of Hillary's fun baby shower, thoughts of pregnant niece Karin's twin boy and girl, and of Chuck's daughter-in-law, also due soon with a girl.

Later, pot-luck with Faux fauves - gone the replay of energetic conversations and L's Catholic stories -that added fuel to ideas for book and/or web site on subject. Wind blew away wondering if there's still a worthwhile connection with all parties. Woosh!

Did gale force dispel last week's little dust devil, the grad critique? Maybe. Or not. Was so frustrated with bad work AND bad critiquers! Why must some faculty hide what they really think behind politely phrased questions? It deflects the energy and point of the process. Next crit will only be with people willing to speak (their) truth - leaving about three of us...

No, the air stream didn't blow away my passion or new ideas. Will probably always be intensely involved with some things and enjoy the rages, outrages, silliness, and excitement of them all.

metta

ps - full moon Feb. 20 will feature a lunar eclipse - wow!