"...the only thing that wants to get rid of the ego is the ego.
Spirit loves everything that arises, just as it is." - Ken Wilber, "One Taste"


After a Q&A session at retreat, as everyone filed out, I sat sobbing. Tears of relief, tears of not knowing, and tears of release from burden of a ponderous shell. Saw the vast amounts of energy it takes to maintain and keep ego in place. Oh, my god!

Later, returning to meditation hall, followed gentle sound of tiny bells through the dark. Came to a stairway and building lit by small white lights (or were they white bells?) a puja for Hanuman - a place so still - so full, so exquisite, so ordinary...

she was gone and my heart was broken.

Mela under the wheels of my (silent) Prius - killed as I backed from the garage. How could I believe with such certainty nothing bad could ever happen to her or me? Never have I strained so desperately to awaken from a nightmare or to go back in time.

Raged (hysterically) against the moment for two days. And then - apparently released my pain to the universe. Amazingly, the universe has soothed and healed.

Something happened five hours after Mela was killed (I know because the time of anguish passed so very slowly). A stray cat/kitten came to the back door. She looked so much like Mela I believed momentarily the horrific dream had ended. Fed her and because it was so cold, allowed her to stay in the basement.

Today I am taking her to the vet where they will check for a micro chip. Will get shots, etc and keep her if that's the way things lead.

Mind scrambled by all this.

Metta.

If away from studio for a certain period of time, it's interesting what happens. Creativity comes out in all kinds of other ways, but out it must come. There I was making little things and spending long periods selecting clothes this week. The pull is enjoyment - going to studio and seeing what happens - the push is that right now it's a cold place...hmmm...tho do have 4 electric and 3 kerosene heaters. There's more to the pull - it feels like something is amiss when I haven't "worked" for a while.

It's a gray, rainy day. Should be perfect time for finishing syllabi however that is apparently not what i'm doing! Classes tomorrow. Inhale deeply.

be careful what you ask for, the saying goes
mela in my office 2 hours:
powerbook left shift key removed
and - nowhere in sight...
now I make CAPS
by pressing a stub




Steve and Betsy's dog Rosie died - easily and without help shortly after Sangha last Wednesday and today a hearfelt remembrance.


While-Running-Insight (always the most brilliant!): ego as source of suffering - a given. It's a stage of development neither good nor bad according to Adya. Very helpful - not "evilizing" it. Feel an internal violence when this occurs. Saw today (my) ego as a HABIT like any other - that will return until dropped or forgotten. To hate it or notice it and feel frustrated, angry, bad, etc. - reinforces it and maintains a cycle.

Mela had her ovaries removed today. It's usually called spaying. Whatever it's called there should be a better way. VERY hard to see her - not eating and not her spunky self. Wish she would ruin another plant, climb up the blinds, break something, attack my foot - anything - just be her self. How grateful we become for a loved one's personality human or animal, no matter how difficult it can be - when it's not there...Apparently she raised hell at the vet. That's our Mela.

Didn't do much otherwise. Watched her, got course syllabi started or well along, watched TV (Oprah and Judge Judy at the same time. Oprah made me cry - high school students opening up to one another). And there was the sunset sky - that cold pink behind spikey trees. Moon almost full.

Intend to focus this year on what Adyashanti calls Truth and be with wherever it goes.

Pink sky. Big moon. Dark trees.

Metta.