Disturbing dream: staying in hotel room #423 (lots of detail) next to parents and brother David. They are leaving me out of information, plans, activities.

It's an old and familiar dream theme - though never had it so close to "home" - never my family. Getting nearer to parts (of me) soon to be integrated, accepted into whole? I think so.

Dream experience at S. Dharma last week: no sleep first 2 nights made for torpid daytimes which included several hours of meditation. Did "sleep" during sittings but oddly, was aware and ok with it - able to allow it to continue. Body did not pitch over. Things got very slow and fuzzy, started seeing images that made no sense, had floating sensations.


* * *
Sometimes wonder who/if anyone is reading these posts. There is something that pleases me about doing it regardless: I release energy to the universe (via internet) and in doing so dissolve it. Meanwhile, the words sit (like the universe) whether another soul sees them or not, until they are eventually deleted. Writing in this way is both active and passive - I make words, and they wait here without emotion or desire, indifferent to ever being seen! Even so, should someone stumble upon them - there they are.

And that makes me smile.

Why I don't know.

Metta.

Talking with Faith at retreat about (that slippery word) love - she mentioned Peace Pilgrim. PP was a woman so open to herself and others that she walked many times across USA without money or possessions. She never asked people she met for shelter or food.

In studio and home working on several pieces at once. Yet without conviction or sense that what I do MUST be really good - or that I should even do this. Urgency of past is missing and leaves me in a strange spot. May no longer be interested in or able to sustain certain ideas, identities that have for a long time defined who I am and how I behave - artist, teacher, seeker. Cool, smart, nice, sensitive, fabulous or opposite of those qualities, etc, etc.

Where I'm left sometimes is not-here-not-there, a place sometimes comfortable and sometimes quite the opposite.

MU

There was a good stretch of time after the Big Bang (beginning-ending of everything for me - related to an interaction with my teacher in October 2005) when I just had no fixed ideas and particularly not about anything spiritual.

So easy to fall into the safety of a rut. And Big Bang was responsible for ending some of my fundamental ruts! It's hard - maybe impossible - to talk about without diminishing and distorting the experience. Anyway it apparently ripped away generous chunks of ego/conditioning.

Despite involving some physical and mental suffering, it seems a miracle.

Thought of Bang today because (after initial brain scramble) had similar sense of not knowing mixed with spaciousness, joy, gratitude.
*
How to express? Poetry/art may be better way. Art seems to expand rather than limit the mind. One speaks, dances around truth and somehow more closely reveals it. Makes me think of friend Rebecca who is so creatively working on thesis unifying creativity, spirituality, and therapy.

Metta.

oh wow last night
sitting on steps
flashing light
not lightning
everywhere
grass to tree top
between 'n' beyond
spectacle of fireflies?
immersed in Milky Way?



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Snake story part 2: saw it - black on white tiles - and rushed to get a container for transport outside. Down the heating duct! Now what? Doesn't it have to eat?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Talked to alternative vet about Binky's astronomically high white blood cell count. He was dumfounded as the regular vets. Will take him off Revolution (anti-flea, parasite topical med) and see what happens.

Lola scratched me near the eye today. Looks like Chuck has been abusing me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Momentous week - being on pre and post surgery support team for friend. Intense, total focus, without regard to usual distractions. Reminiscent of experiences had while keeping watch by Mom's hospital bed. Pure attention - so that when I ventured into "outside" world, it seemed remarkable and wonderfully strange.

Witnessed someone staying aware during extreme and trying circumstances. Her unselfconscious grace lingers and inspires.

She brought a child's book to the hospital, a story about a rabbit (I think) who recounts all the ways he can hide from his mother. Mother will always find her and be with her. Truths here so simple, yet far beyond motherhood (bring tears.)

*

June is so delicious. Intense green. And rain finally. So much new and fragile life.

Pruning the wild juniper in front of the house, oh, no - I exposed a nest. Sinking feeling. In it, three small speckled eggs of a cardinal. Carefully replaced the cut limbs. Damage done. No one returned to tend the nest. Heartache!

Three nights ago was shocked - I screamed - by a small snake falling (from where?) into the bathroom sink. What to do? Woke up Chuck (who is more afraid of snakes than I), and asked him to close the stopper while I got a small container. He then closed it on the poor creature's tail (or opposite end of its head), and we feared we had injured it. Opened stopper and it slithered down the drain - a baby snake - it was that small!

Next morning avoided the sink. Washed face from tub faucet and tooth paste went in toilet. By night, had forgotten, and as I washed my face - up popped the little guy! More screams! It quickly vanished into drain.

So there it stays. We have a truce - or stalemate - I avoid any activity that involves running water in the sink, and in return, it has avoided shocking me by popping up from drain. Eventually it seems we must face each other again...

Lots of thoughts of Mela lately. She was embodiment of joy, playfulness, happiness. How I loved her! Heartache is word that best fits sensation in my chest right now. Have given up trying to find reasons for depth and length of emotion. W. Makichen has suggested it is metaphor for losing the ego. I just don't know.