"When one has nothing to lose, one becomes courageous. We are timid only when there is something we can still cling to."

- Don Juan in "The Second Ring of Power" by Carlos Castaneda

Gold Mountains - it's the way things look now, but it sounds like name of a development along drive to and from Panthertown Forest. Just back from 2-day hike and so much to do that I'm going to write THIS (good for nothingness) and ignore everything else.

Been years since I've backpacked - (fond memories of hikes with David Long and Liz Henry in Pacific NW). That is, a trip when I carried my own fully loaded pack. Ladakh counts in a way. On the other hand, ponies were carrying the heavy stuff, and guides set up tents and brought us tea on arrival!

That did NOT happen yesterday - except in our jokes. We picked a site, pitched tents, walked to a lovely waterfall, changed sites, and cooked a (rehydrated) meal. Because it was so cold we were in our sleeping bags by 8:30 pm. Did not sleep a wink - too cold on my right side, and my nose stuffed up when lying on my left. And yet, don't feel particularly tired (just sleepy) today.

Delighted to disrupt routine and see amazing fall colors - so much gold and bits of crimson. Enjoyed funny moments - like when P and C were trying to bear-proof our food by throwing a rope over a tree limb with a rock...and P trying to read how-to instructions at same time.

Mostly, to be outside breathing chilly pine scented air was a simple, earthy heaven.

Anxiety dream:
Am somewhere. Don't know where.

If I can just find out the NAME of the place I would KNOW where I am.

There are a few people around. I ask one, but don't understand the answer. The others - I am unable to get near enough to ask.

+ + + + +

It's fall break and those of us in WCU academia get two days off - not counting Friday and the weekend. Spending all my time so far - catching up. Doing accumulated mundane stuff - picking up a perscription, returning library book, buying an avocado, applying for a grant, getting mammogram, cooking nice meal, editing a video, writing a recommendation.

Stuff like that.

My office should be on that list. Piles of papers - on floor, loveseat, ottoman, file cabinet, basket. Drawers hang open (so brazen!) showing messy innards. Broken file cabinet, oak veneer model stands next to closet that can't close - (too many boxes.)

Okay, now it's on the list.

Sometimes I cheat while meditating. My eyes just open, and I look out the window. I sit in front of 3 low windows on a Tibetan carpet, zabuton, and zafu. Lately, not a zafu at all - a throw blanket rolled so that it leaves an indentation where my tailbone is. Tail got bruised in Mexico, and it demands this kind of attention.

So sometimes my eyes open and I see things - such as leaves falling in the most amazingly consistent rhythms and voila! I'm immersed in a magical, ideal universe of "fall."

Like me, the season is still in tentative stages. And it all feels so exciting, being on the edge - letting things fall without shaking the tree....

Mornings have become quiet - birdsong is scarce. Even crickets are silent at the moment - perhaps it's too chilly. Seems fall and spring are times of noticeable day-to-day changes, moving in fascinating ways - toward the apparent stability of winter or summer.

I was born in early fall.

And this year, aside from surprise and disbelief over the numeral assigned to my age, thought I was (like totally!) OVER birthdays. Ditch that illusion. Turns out not.

The day came and went without a word of good wishes from Chuck. Thought whatever would be ok - but whatever wasn't. It hurt, and hurt often boils, simmers, and/or turns cold. For me, it creates a distance.

We went to Atlanta for opera, galleries, etc. - enjoyable. Yet thoughts turn to change, a place I return to again and again (clickety clack). It's a strange stasis - of longing for something and fearing it equally.