"Don Juan's argument was that most of our energy goes into upholding our importance. This is most obvious in our endless worry about the presentation of the self, about whether or not we are admired or liked or acknowledged. He reasoned that if we were capable of losing some of that importance...we would free our energy from trying to maintain the illusory idea of our grandeur; and...we would provide ourselves with enough energy to...catch a glimpse of the actual grandeur of the universe."

- Carlos Castaneda, "The Art of Dreaming"

Came back to shared room during a break at retreat and caught Diane on cell phone. From my past training, involving strict Zen teacher who was (more than) adamant about such rules, it was a shock.

Truth is, we/I do not accumulate merit by merely following rules. A danger with Zen teacher was - I was beginning to believe one could - might as well become a Catholic again! Jolted since I scrupulously follow such rules, I was forced to consider issue again.

*

Been sleeping like a baby. Dream:
With ex, David, and leaving on trip. I jump into rushing river alone, float comfortably, and don't feel the water or notice if it's cold. Ride river through amazing canyon walls - tall, beautiful, thinking - "Never seen anything like this -wish I was sharing with someone."

Then I see huge boulders in river and wonder what to do. Phone David on cell(!) and ask him - he says not to worry. I float toward the boulders and sort of paddle away from them - no problem.

The water then gets very shallow and I end up walking on rock bed into a small town. I've left my pack near the rock bed and don't have phone....

Don Juan "remarked that each of us was barred from silent knowledge by natural barriers, specific to each individual..."

"He said that ancient man knew, in the most direct fashion, what to do and how best to do it. But, because he performed so well, he started to develop a sense of selfness...And thus the idea of individual 'self' appeared...

As the feeling of individual self became stronger, man lost his connection to silent knowledge. Modern man, being heir to that development, therefore finds himself...hopelessly removed from the source of everything..."

- Carlos Castaneda, "The Power of Silence"

12.23.07
*
Mars
tiny dot
satellite sitting
right up there next to
plump platinum moon -
no warrior here
you light missile
you small beauty
mark in the dark



*

Went to little chapel service on Christmas Eve to hear B. play harp. Charming. Afterward, people were so warm and welcoming, felt guilty I did not intend to come back...

Lots of great conversation with intelligent, interesting people this holiday. Loved it. Outrageously delicious food at P & L's. Exhilarating hike.

Going to NYC next week - casting certain responsibilities to the winds. (Things will - or won't get done...) Considering trip to Charleston this week.

Grateful for blessings of friends, happiness, great good fortune.

Metta


*

"STOP PRETENDING" -

- these words continue to reverberate from retreat. A.'s elaboration: stop seeing yourself as separate from divine. I hear words as command to drop false fronts, talk, actions, ways of being - same thing, I guess.

An interesting group assembled for van ride out. Waiting with Mike for others to arrive, he told of being in India, plucked up by a guru with thousands of followers, and finding himself in the center of it all for a day. Then there was Henriett from Hungary -who has eyes of infinite depth - in California (no green card) to study with her spiritual teacher. Nancy, immediately likable-had quiet energy and ready laugh. A disciple of Chogyam Trungpa, Jeff entertained us during drive with scandalous story of Trungpa's spiritual heir.

Roommate Diane who coincidentally had planned to share van also - is a rolfer without "nodes" energy blocks she said - ie basically awake. She sees others' energy fields, and has a friend who claims to be fully awake. Talking with Diane before silence, rattled some of my basic assumptions to the core.

Was amazed by this little group and wondered about all the other remarkable people there...

By last day, a cold had caught me, was chugging orange juice, and in strange state - pretending (stop!) to act, talk normally. Was unable to span gap between inside and out. Sorry not to make a final, real connection with Mike, I departed, gratefully returning to solitude and safety of hotel room.

#####

It's full moon again! And warmish outside. Will suggest to C we take a walk around Lake J tonight.

Wonderful week after slashing-clashing illusions w/friend for a day. Now to finish vacuuming, and unthaw a Christmas tofurkey!

Warm heart. Metta!

Am fasting for a few days. Feels good. Hunger minimal. Lots of energy- to my surprise.


Last week - finals and a few laughs. One of my students did a life size toy soldier and splattered it with blood-like color. Another did a huge - maybe 6 feet high - vagina - with (real) hair. Both these students put their pieces out in front of the art building which is directly across from the administration building. The suits had already contacted the dean, who contacted the chair, who contacted me about the first piece, when the second went up. Lots of pressure on me to remove them immediately.

It's a (more) sophisticated form of censorship/control than in the past -when dean and another administrator STOLE a 10' penis sculpture (maybe it was 8' feet, it keeps getting larger as time goes on.) I pretended I didn't know who did it - and called the police. The school paper got wind of it.... and suits have been eating sh-t ever since.

The pieces came down right after the final, and all is well.

###

A. said something at beginning of retreat - about women knowing what it feels like to be seen (only) as women, ie objects. It's a labeling we do with everything. Once we name something, we no longer see it.

When I arrived, before silence, I was ignored pretty much by 2 roommates. Perhaps I got named as "old" and dismissed. Too bad I'll never know for sure - because I reacted with a lot of mind chatter - not quiet enough to observe truth. Anyway, age was on my mind a lot. Looking around, saw I was in the upper end of the age groupings.

Returned with thought to fight it, even consider a face-lift. That idea didn't last long. Truly it's not what I want. "Iyam what Iyam!" (thank you Popeye) and it is far more desirable (to me) to feel comfortable with, accept what is than to try to change a situation or my exterior. There will always be something - including how I'm seen and responded to - I can't control.

In fact, "I" can't control much at all - though apparently I still want to try.

Metta.

Mom - 8 years ago at 88
around this time of day
you came full circle on
your first and last day

"For your separation from God
Is the hardest work in this world."
- Hafiz


Return from California coast, filled with not-this-not-that energy, feelings, observations...all sinking in slowly. Also brought back a mild bug (exchanged "handily" via those lazy-susans on dining room tables) which scrambled my brains a bit during/after retreat - the bug- not the lazy susans.

Not an easy time - ego SO hates not to be different from 349 other people and was full of judgments. The weighty burden fell away again (and again) to great relief.

Too soon to say much. Strong sense of NOT knowing, seeing assumptions, awareness of inability to perceive truth due to mind talk, heaviness, lightness, quiet observing, anxiety, fear, joy, sorrow...

More to come.