my door is wide open
today
as cherry buds swell
slightly
all is sky blue and
ready


*

Wrote long though hasty, handwritten (dinosaur with no copies!) letter to friend whom I met in Athens years ago when traveling back from Japan. Also sent Solnit's book "Getting Lost." After hearing from him in December - wrote what's below. It's hard to recognize or even remember one's 20 year old self after so long..

Ages had passed since Attica
a history of three thousand years -
so who was it sharing time and space
who walked up a crooked street and
who ate dolmades at a moonlit cafe?

*

Illusion - confusion! Finally able to articulate some things to share with L. Here is part-

Whatever was going on between us, staying with it has led me to deeper awareness. My knee jerk (karmic) response to anxiety, confusion, hurt is to suffer rather than observe. Often I don't question an impression in the moment because I’m SO SURE it is right (aha! more karma). The next conditioned idea in the line-up is that discussing an issue may exacerbate it.

"Mutual acceptance lies at the heart of the practice of spiritual friendship...Participating with others in honest compassionate dialogue, we see ourselves reflected in ways we are unlikely to notice on our own. To know myself is to know you; to know you is to know myself...Offering ourselves as mirrors for each other becomes a breathtaking act of love."

-Sara Jenkins "Hello at Last"


Rainy day and so dark. Oooh, big clap of thunder - must be getting cold again. Technically it's dead of winter. Everything is in shades of gray and brown today....however, in the back yard are emerging clumps of green and white. Just when it seems winter is unchanging and forever - up come croci!

Colleague and I are going forward with Catholic Experiences or whatever it's going to be called - web site. As I told Dave last night, creativity has to come out somehow, somewhere. Board up the studio, lose your tools, an artist's energy just pops up in another place like...croci in February. It's fun already.

Can feel the Prana today. It made the clouds race. It blew right through my running shoes to my toes! Blew through my head, legs, torso, arms - dispersing everything and leaving me empty and transparent.

Blew away all my social busy-ness from yesterday. Blew away afterthoughts of Hillary's fun baby shower, thoughts of pregnant niece Karin's twin boy and girl, and of Chuck's daughter-in-law, also due soon with a girl.

Later, pot-luck with Faux fauves - gone the replay of energetic conversations and L's Catholic stories -that added fuel to ideas for book and/or web site on subject. Wind blew away wondering if there's still a worthwhile connection with all parties. Woosh!

Did gale force dispel last week's little dust devil, the grad critique? Maybe. Or not. Was so frustrated with bad work AND bad critiquers! Why must some faculty hide what they really think behind politely phrased questions? It deflects the energy and point of the process. Next crit will only be with people willing to speak (their) truth - leaving about three of us...

No, the air stream didn't blow away my passion or new ideas. Will probably always be intensely involved with some things and enjoy the rages, outrages, silliness, and excitement of them all.

metta

ps - full moon Feb. 20 will feature a lunar eclipse - wow!

A colleague was telling me about a book titled "Postmodern Heretics: Catholic Imagination in Contemporary Art" - since we both grew up Catholic. She had a story about confession (like to include it here sometime), and I countered with this one:


I had a turning point after seeing the movie "Mondo Kane" many years ago. The final scene was of aborigines sitting on a cliff near a crashed airplane, waiting for the return of their god -- another AIRPLANE. "What a futile and sad fantasy," I thought. Then, "Oh my god -what's the difference between their religion and mine??? None!"

The following Sunday I missed Mass for the first time in my life. That was it, I never went back - or looked back.


Another story came to me later.

At St. Philomene's school in Sacramento, Father Lynch, a young, dark-haired priest, came to teach my Catechism class every Wednesday morning, first period.

Q: Where is God?
A: God is everywhere.

Q: What is a Sacrament?
A: A Sacrament is an outward sign instituted by Christ to give grace.


In 5th grade, the memorized responses were neither so short nor simple. Catechism was a big deal. If you faltered or failed to parrot the correct answer, Father Lynch would hurl a piece of chalk at you with the wrath of God the Father. Perhaps because his anger was so raw and immediate, it made the prospect of being a target, excruciating. It was a long hour, for a ten year old in dire fear of humiliation.

There was another reason for my fear: I NEVER MEMORIZED the lessons. Somehow I knew Father Lynch could not pronounce my name - and because of that - I gambled that he would not call on me.

The gamble paid off in one way - he never did ask me to recite. On the other hand, I paid in monumental suffering. Catechism class was my weekly date with terror.

“Relationship becomes the most effective tool, better than yoga and meditation and every self-help seminar rolled into one, to free us of all that is not love.”

-Arjuna Ardagh “The Translucent Revolution”

It's a rainy gray day, and I am enjoying an easy, slow respite between
busy weeks fore and aft.

Atlanta: saw opera "Cold Sassy Tree" by living composer Carlisle Floyd, who was there. Dinner at upscale Thai restaurant with Ann and Mark. At B&B Chuck left the gas on while figuring out how to light it for tea. No explosion but lots of smell. We then went running.

Friend and I are working through some illusions - spurred by the (consistency of our) missed connections in NYC. It's rewarding, and a method of bypassing conditioning - getting to truth. More, later when clearer.

New realization: It's possible (and I may now be able) to allow people to be angry with me. Don't have to react - defend, be afraid, return anger, etc. Don't have to DO anything. Headline: Awareness Damages Automatic Pilot!

Another: Time Perception Can Lapse. More than once, have been working, talking, etc in my office and forgotten my 12:30 class. Is this a product of getting older or being fully in the present? (Hope it's the latter.)

Metta