August 30

art and soul, a lull

It's a gorgeous late August day - cool at times, warm at others.  We've had almost a week of rain, somewhat alleviating the drought, and all is well.  C is in PA visiting his mom, Lola is sitting by the computer - great company, crickets are chirping!

C and I had most things moved out of the studio before he left.  Students helped with everything else - and I gave them most of the wood and steel materials.  I'm OUT!  Goodbye lawnmower man.  I'll miss the scares and jolts we give each other.  Here's what I wrote to a woman I met (at a retreat) who asked me where I will do my work -

Plan to build a smaller studio near pond above our house. In the meantime going to enjoy the space between! My identity it seems is less (or no longer) attached to the words "sculptor" or "artist" thanks to spiritual practice - and am experiencing "creativeness" as a joy/energy that can be expressed in an infinite number of ways.

The space between

a lullaby

metta

August 22

Adventures

Still channeling LJ. 

One week after bird episode came across a limping, crying, half-starved cat while running at Junaluska.  Sometimes it's better not to interfere - but appeals of a hurting stray went straight to my heart. Called C to bring food and a basket.  After gobbling the food - she climbed without urging - into the basket and we went straight to the vet where she got shots and care for wound causing limp.  Catman 2 in Cullowhee a no-kill shelter (he's turned over an entire house to 80 cats) agreed to take her.  Thinking of her so might be time to get update and make a visit.

Then later this week a hummingbird flew into the sculpture lab.  Disaster.  Poor creature stayed up in those 15' ceilings and we could not get her out.  Finally next day she dropped to floor and grad assistant JP who brought a feeder with sugar water was able to get her to drink. She took the bird outside with the feeder where bird later took off.

May these and all creatures be well.

+

Classes started. Finally told Director I wanted to run grad program.  When he said yes - My response wasn't elation, it was --well, maybe what I really want is to quit. Not used to getting what I think I want and still don't know how this will go.

A lively advanced class will be fun. They're going to design the class!

+

Full Moon report of 8/16 - Sturgeon was unlike all others: she did not make an appearance from behind the clouds!

Catholicity is forcing me to learn, and the way I do it - is to spend hours with Dreamweaver - Dw - (Nightmareweaver - Nmw most of the time) and Flash.  The curve goes up sharply and then drops as I inevitably get stuck.  My eyes are red and sore from looking at this screen!  Time to stop.

C and I did spent hours today moving out of the studio.  Exhausting and I have no idea how it's all going to fit in the basement.

Deadlines, classes, moving studio, the web site - feels like a lot right now.  Time to rest body and mind.  Sweet sleep awaits.

Metta

August 11

attachments - avian, ideological, and otherwise

also - parallel realities

Just had a little cry. We found a wild baby bird last Saturday - and realized it was helpless, injured in some way. First thought was to call LJ in Vermont.  L never saw an animal she did not love. Knew she had saved life of a robin (among other animals) once and cared for it the rest of its life.  L gave me great instructions on what to do.  Many phone calls later I was talking to Jeanette in Brevard a licensed wildlife rehabilitation specialist. (It's illegal for unlicensed to care for/keep wild animals though as L says, that's moot.)

We drove the little bird to Jeanette's house and checked in with her daily by phone.  There seemed to be a neurogical problem because the bird's legs were useless.  Also it did not chirp which J thought very unusual.  The first day, it ate, began to chirp, and tried to move toward the other birds in the nursery. Things were looking up.

However, it was not meant to be.  Little guy died this morning and Jeanette saw a maggot on its body so the problems were just too big.  It's last days were warm, safe, comfortable, and free of fear or great suffering - for that I am glad.  Also unexplainably sad.

***

Good connection with friends last night.  Conversation somehow landed on how ideas separate us and cause suffering.  Specific details for three of us were different but essence was the same.   Example - one basic belief: anything that is very popular - say Oprah's internet sessions with Eckhert Tolle - is tainted somehow and cannot be of value to me.  At some point we noted - each conviction turns against us and bites us on our rear!  Example - I often feel left out. 

post script - I've bookmarked the Oprah - Tolle sessions and will be looking at them.

Am also amazed - after a talk with S today - at the relationships between art and life.  If it's true in art making - it's true in life.  There was a great realization and example there - but I can't recall it exactly.  Nirvana found and lost!

***

Other observations and events:

Catholicity may some day actually be launched!  It's really fun despite angst about finishing it and despite it consuming all my time.

Designed a plate for the Black Mountain College fund raiser based on one of Snelson's sculptures. I think it looks cool on paper.  Now to execute it.  Thank goodness there will be help, for I know nothing about glazes, pottery, etc.

At studio today preparing for move.  Lawnmower Man stopped by and told me about the new tenant across from me - a coffin maker.  Thought that was very cool and went to meet him.  Very interesting guy, good craftsman - liked him - AND he had about 50 pictures of naked women on motorcycles on the wall.  OMG!  Another encounter with a parallel universe. Going to miss these jolts.  Varoom!

***

Goodbye my sweet little bird, sweet little self.

August 7

ethereal attachment

Aaaah, to be connected again....how amazing is that?  No internet for about a week and no email for 10 days - certainly highlighted one's (ok, my) addictions and dependencies.  It was rocky, and just as I was getting used to the wonderful and scary isolation of it all by phoning (what a novel idea!) and going to the library occasionally for internet, then  - BINGO - the problem was solved.  Now I can return to being a computer-obsessed introvert....with slightly more awareness.  

One thing noted - the level of incompetency and carelessness of our ISP tech support people is VERY high.  Most had no clue about the problem, nor did they care!  I even called Apple for help when we still thought it was an issue here - and  needlessly reinstalled OSX.  It only took 6 hours of the almost 7 days devoted entirely to the "project." 

Remarkable how helpless many of us become when not connected. It was difficult/impossible to work on course syllabi and dozens of other things offline.

So "loss" of about a week due to the internet loss/retrieval is contributing to crunch time -- prep for classes (starting soon), meetings, moving studio here, and Catholicity.

Crickets, tree frogs, cicadas all are sounding Dog Day rhythms. What an open, easy-going feeling there is to summer.  Can it stay through fall and winter?  Why not?

metta

July 25

Theory of Everything Including Limbo

So our practice is to be with everything without being enslaved by it.  When you include everything, that is the real self.   - Shunryu Suzuki

Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch died yesterday at 47.  Just listened to his "Last Lecture"  - youtube about an hour - worth hearing.  Fascinated by his ideas about brick walls, people, enjoyment, getting what you want (live right and it will come), teaching, childhood dreams, and fun.  Seems he got the secret of it all.

Someone else who inspires and knows - is Kenneth Snelson, sculptor and Black Mountain College alum, who spoke in Asheville this week. Loved his unpretentiousness, intelligence, art, ideas, wonderful photos of BMC history, and his dishing about Bucky Fuller. 

Snelson has been involved with physics - particle and mechanical - obvious in his work, and his talk led back to article I just read about Garrett Lisi in New Yorker.  Did some googling of Lisi's Exceptionally Simple Theory of Everything (not that I understand it) and looked at his model and a 2-d drawing of E-8.  Seems a nexus of mathematics, physics, art, mandala, and spirituality.  Signposts leading to the same place?  Truth?

*

Dream 7/23: I am apparently floating or falling through infinite space with every other object in the world and am NOT enjoying it.  I am terrified.  Vastness is overwhelming.  Realize I'm dreaming and try - unsuccessfully to wake up. Greater fear.  Maybe opening my eyes will work.  With effort I do so and wake up - wide-eyed, relieved. 

Realization: Catholicity is not a project I would have undertaken in the past - might never have occurred to me to actually DO it.  Perhaps I used to secretly fear even the possibility of being perceived as controversial or didn't want to explore all the other issues - Catholic or otherwise.  Not sure why I am doing it now - except that it feels right - fun, honest, and a good adventure.

Also feel out on a limb in many ways.  Technically, had no idea what a huge project it was going to be.  And this week after we made some decisions about home/index page, very excitedly sent rough image out to several people asking for feedback.  Only K responded.  Yikes - hung myself out (on a limb-o) to dry, and here I am - scared.

*

Today is the 100th anniversary of Dad's birth.  More of him, later.

metta

*

The most challenging thing for the spiritual seeker is to stop struggling.  The human condition is characterized by a constant state of struggle which manifests as conflict, fear, and confusion...By remaining in a state of constant struggle we maintain the boundaries that create the sense of a separate self...

-- Adyashanti

*

 

July 20

guru moon

7/18 - While sun was still low in sky, drove to Waterrock Knob Trail head and started hiking the short, intense trail.  At about 3/4 up we stopped to watch last bit of arced orange - framed by trees - slip away.  Sky seemed to separate in bands of pink, orange, gray, periwinkle as we scrambled to top.  Listening to "tree talk" as B called it - and amazed at the panorama, we spoke quietly, intermittently waiting for moon rise and occasionally turning around to see how waning sun sky had changed.  Finally, B suggested we might have trouble seeing the rocky part of trail, and we started down.  Just as we returned, looking skyward - there was same orange arc we saw going up.  Except we now faced East.  Have never seen a moon peaking over mountains - so large and in such blazing color - the color of a guru's robes.  My list of moons calls it the Buck Moon - however someone told me it was the Guru Moon.  Guru indeed.

baseball moon

7/19 - Baseball game!   Perfect warm summer night to enjoy the magic.  Oddly almost everyone in our section left early  (after two interminable innings) so there were few people sitting nearby to share the experience.  That's one of the things I like about these laid back local games - chatting, watching people and the game - which reminds me of a Zen rock garden - long/large stretches of emptiness punctuated by a few events - rocks, as it were!   Last night it was a bunch of home runs.  On the way home we stopped at Lake for another moon walk (for me). Lots of people walking at 11:30 pm.  During December's 18 degree F one - imagined a July moon walk with me wearing shorts and t-shirt.  And so here it was - lovely!  We hardly talked, and I thought - this moon is a simple, pure one - fairly high in a clear, undramatic sky.  No frills - like a good guru and maybe a good baseball game (or rock garden.)

metta

July 14

I am That

This morning driving to Lake for a run, got stopped partially blocking an intersection at the "lovely" new Wal-mart site.  A woman in a big white SUV driving past me with her window open - screamed, "Idiot!  Damn fool bitch!"  I blinked once and that was it.  No response, no anger.

How ironic and funny also that - when leaving the Lake from little area where I park - another woman drove at me head-on - until I had to stop and honk. Unconcerned, she stopped right in front of me - still on wrong side of street - and got out, as I drove around her car wagging my index finger.  She waved in return.  Now THAT made me a little mad - and I felt a small fondness for first woman.

HA!

Don't know why - but above was reminder of my sister-in-law whom I happen to adore and who does not share my politics. During our visit she was complaining about having to do jury duty and that "They wouldn't have arrested the guy if he weren't guilty!" When her own kids started teasing her about this statement, I had to laugh.  Now when C and I discuss anything to do with court system - we use the quote with humor and affection.

***

Ashtanga class yesterday: young guy, great teacher says Ashtanga yoga students are type A's and goes out of his way to let us know that whatever/however we do in class is fine.  That approach allows me all at once - to try, accept, and relax. 

Okay now for some Catholicity web site design prep in Photoshop!

and don't forget

"They wouldn't have arrested the guy if he weren't guilty!"

metta

July 12

gaté gaté paragaté parasamgaté bodhi svaha

All Experience comes and goes, no matter how sublime, but the source of these experiences, the Awareness doesn't come and go...Freedom is found only in that which does not come and go. 

The aim of spiritual practice is to discover in your own present experience That which the movement of thought never touches. 

- Adyashanti,   The Impact of Awakening

Dream #1:  I am at my opening  - a solo show in New York City in a large wonderful space.  The work is very organic with lots of stringy texture and many wall pieces.  I don't recognize it as mine or remember making it, and I'm not sure I like it.  Aware the show is a big deal, I don't mention this to anyone.

Dream #2:  I am in China going into a restaurant to have a meal with Adyashanti.  It is quite a funky place, and I say "The Japanese have a saying - 'The dirtier the Chinese restaurant, the better the food.'" 

He laughs.

 

*

MAL called a few days ago.  She's back on board with the artistic part of Catholicity!  Before her call, I had felt bad and told her we did not view the technical part as her responsibility - and was sorry if I gave that impression. We both laughed at our Catholic guilt.  I have an appointment with someone skilled in DreamWeaver next week so all will be well, and it's good to have the fantasies (movements of the mind) about this issue resolved.

Oh, and I FOUND Postmodern Heretics!

 

*

Heart issue - did an echo stress test and watched a sonogram of my heart.  Hope to get a copy of the image - it would go well in a sculpture with the CAT scan of my brain from a few years ago.  The test was humiliating because I announced to the nurses I was a runner!  I lasted on treadmill about 10 minutes with the speed and incline increasing in 3 minute intervals.  Apparently all is well - for if not - no treadmill and would have been sent directly to an MD. 

When running I rarely get my heart pumping to that degree - only in the Ashtanga yoga class does it come close.  Today at the Lake, I ran a lot faster than my usual wimpy pace. 

My heart pumped a lot faster during that test when one nurse kept calling me "Honey."  I considered stopping and calmly, politely asking her if she intended to be patronizing. Instead I mentioned it on an evaluation form.  Some day I either won't care about such things because I will have no energy to get my ire going or will have energy but won't view such words as insulting - or care if they are.

gaté gaté paragaté

July 7

horseradish and horsefeathers

It has been suggested that everything we do, every gesture, and every movement is in fact art, as it is the way we are expressing ourselves in the face of the environment with which we interact

.

The term seishintouitsu refers to the concentration of the mind and spirit on just one activity, and through this constant discipline the person is able to loose the dominance of the ego and become one with the activity.

Andrew Juniper Wabi Sabi

Blah.  Disappointment.  (How can I write that after such a beautiful quote?) 

MAL will not be helping with Catholicity.  Her expertise got me thinking about web-site's artistic, creative possibilities, and unfortunately I don't technically know how to make them happen.  On the other hand, that's never stopped me before!  Wonder if there's something underneath the overt excuse.  Guess I'll never know and it's folly to speculate though I could and may ask.

All this today, just as I was finishing Project Barbara - B's audio-video contribution to the site.  Spent many days on it.  At this rate - will the site ever be finished?

On top of all this I cannot find my copy of Postmodern Heretics.  Should I pray to St. Anthony or St. Jude? 

Rats!

+

Our first stop in California was a night with my (ex) sister-in-law whom I am much closer to than my ex-brother - just kidding - guess he's still my brother.  Spent a few hours with niece and her new twins! 

Then on to high school friend Karen's ranch just outside of Reno.  Takes about an hour to get out and up to their place through bumpy dirt roads where many cars cannot go.  Lovely in this desert hideaway.  We hiked and thought we saw bald eagles - while cursing a helicopter.  We talked, we ate, we read, and we soaked in their wooden outdoor hot tub by twilight. 

Drove a beautiful two-lane highway up to Ashland where we saw "Othello," "Midsummer Night's Dream," and "Clay Cart."  MND was the stand-out - very flashy in 60's hippy and 70's/80's disco.  The fairies were gay clubbers.  Funny and worthy of Broadway. "Clay Cart" was version of a Sanskrit play done with accuracy in costumes, music, etc. 

In mystic, mythic Mt. Shasta we hiked partly in snow (me in tennis shoes) spent night and next morning left for nephew's where niece, nephews, and families gathered for BBQ.  We all went off to see his daughter (dare I say my grand niece?) in her h.s. graduation play.  She had a large role, which would have made my mom proud - and I was impressed by the warm and loving relationship she has with her dad, my nephew. (No review of the play.)  We all played video games on large screen until about 1AM.

C and I spent a night at Mt. Madonna before he left and the retreat began the next day. 

++

July 6

sacred heart

So our practice is to be with everything without being enslaved by it.  When you include everything, that is the real self.       -Shunryu Suzuki

Feels like summer break is only beginning. Have mostly decided to move out of studio and build small one here. A while since I've even been to studio - though it's very close - since Catholicity energy began. Anticipating a return to assess, clean-up, pack, and maybe even work (without tools.)

While my holiday was veggie burgers, avocado soup, frozen cherry yoghurt, and 4th "attitude"- a friend's was meat hot dogs, patriotic songs, and pledge of allegiance.  Whoa!  There are truly parallel universes out there!  It's astonishing when they intersect - like me and Lawnmower Man when my studio was robbed. (See 1/08 entries).  One knows other worlds as an abstraction, but real contact is a shock. 

Yoga class friend with whom I have passed some time lately, is such an interesting woman with whom I connect on many levels - a treasure.

Mt. Madonna retreat was not all suffering! Highs and lows were acute and primal this time. Every question asked seemed my own, and each answer soothed my soul.  Again, lots to assimilate.  Evenings began by readings from either Hafiz, Rumi, or Kabir. Often there was singing as a group or by an individual and one night- an Advaita stand-up comic!  This may sound SO not-funny - but it was hilarious.  Will be getting CDs - and that will be the proof of funny (or not)! 

Okay off to an Ashtanga yoga in Asheville.  Heart report and more wasabi to come.  Below is a little crossover from Catholicity/Catechism.  It truly warms my heart.

 

Q:  Where is God?

A:  God is everywhere.

 

June 26

as my house burned

When you do something, you should burn yourself completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself.       - Shunryu Suzuki

Enough retreating already!  Back from yet another - this one in Hendersonville with a bona fide Indian guru - orange robes, wooden sandals, Hindu pomp, ceremony and all!  Whew!

For me, one of the most interesting and resonating things Swamiji said was to someone else (who told me about it.)  She was complaining about her restless mind. 

He said to imagine balls in a small room and how once activated, they bounce off the walls. Then imagine those (thought) balls in space without walls. 

*

Difficult moments at Mt. Madonna retreat.  Was not sleeping and returned to very small shared room (with 3 others) on some nights only to discover that I was the first one to retire.  Talk about tennis balls in a small space!

Where are the others?  Why am I first in bed?  Are they out having fun even though this is a silent retreat?  Advancing their spiritual practice while I'm wasting my time trying to sleep?  Oh, hell!  my heart is skipping beats....Used to wait for my mother to return from rehearsals unable to sleep until she returned, watching every car light slither across the ceiling...then those nights in a college dorm room when everyone else WAS out having fun. Okay, here's the roommate with German accent who seems angry - crawling into the next bed.  Now the other one. Guess I can relax.  The third one sits until about 1 or 2 AM...That's the right thing to do.  I'm a slacker who prefers trying to sleep to silence/meditation.   I've got to get up to pee.  This bed is too soft.  Uh oh - someone's snoring - I can hear it through my ear plugs.  Do I hear birds already?  What's wrong with me?  Here comes the 3rd roommate.  Now chest pains.  Maybe I'll get up and do yoga.  Will be sure to fall asleep during satsang and meditation tomorrow...fighting it  will be fun - not.   It's so dry here, am getting small nose bleeds.  Can't breath right.  What time is it....It's getting lighter out...

Do believe everything is leading us to awaken (even when trying to sleep!) 

Even that dukkha drivel.   Hmm, volcanic islands of desperation and silliness

rise and fall in an ocean of emptiness.

*

Burning houses -real time - friends' rental house burned down while they were out of town.  Wishing them well.

Metta

18 June 08

strawberry solstice

In the end everyone must come to Arunachala

- Ramana Maharshi

Sequence: California family - Nevada friends - Oregon Shakespearean Festival - California family - retreat - and red eye home  = sensory overload! 

A. says he is just a guy lighting matches to start fires. By day 3 of retreat, my house burned down...

On way to airport, sat between Nancy and Rob.  Nancy is a devotee of Ramana and Rob has spend lots of time in S. India and at Tiruvanamalai. He talked about pilgrims circumnavigating the mountain Arunachala on full moon. Tonight on the Junaluska Strawberry Moon walk - will think of those in India walking around Arunachala...and of joining them in December...

Exhausted and with some strange health things going on.  Slept very little during retreat.  During day meditations would often nod off; then at night after Satsang would be so energized I couldn't sleep. Overwhelmed.

In two days it's the summer solstice.  Another retreat.  Catholicity evolves.

Metta.

 

28 May 08

horseradish

Catholicity is coming together.  We selected work yesterday and both got excited because it's very good and web site is going to be equally cool.  Am also daydreaming about having a virtual opening when site is finished with a live feed of a few of us having a "party" here.  Could be amusing/funny.

Ordered Postmodern Heretics:  the Catholic Imagination in Contemporary Art from Canada (it's out of print) and am thinking about asking Eleanor Heartney, the author to write an intro for the site. 

Intense focus on project makes it difficult to think about leaving for California.  Hate leaving the cats.  Must get chores related to leaving done.

Great full moon walk - it was the Flower Moon - on the 19th and the eighth in the "series."

Here's some wasabi thoughts, just kidding - wabi sabi- (and I have NO idea what wabi sabi has to do with creating a web site - except it feels fun and "natural.")

"The whole ethos is based on humility toward's one's own life and the world at large...The attitude does not come from the art. It would be incorrect to say that wabi sabi art can be forced or copied because this would deny it's spirituality and its transient nature."

-Andrew Juniper "Wabi Sabi the Japanese Art of Impermanence"

25 May 08

mysore wasabi

Following Ashtanga yoga class (am so-ooo sore - it's "My-sore" style after all!) we picked up South India travel book.   S. India is so rich with wonderful sights, culture- Ajanta and Ellora sites, home of Bharatya Natyam and Kathakali, etc etc that we may want to play tourist instead of yogis....

Also came across book on wabi sabi.  That concept may be the root of what I have been thinking about in my own work and discussing (ranting) with the grads.  It may even be the (unknown) key to this year's unpretentious Whitney Biennial....

So are we as artists just making art or are we making what we think art should be??  Posing, posing, a lifetime of posing!

Anyway, amazing yoga class...afterwards, again experienced dropping away of -- what are the words? - the shell, the weight of what I carry around most of the time, concerns, anxieties, protective energies.  To exist for however long without "shell" in this state of grace, is to truly rest. 

Only a week before "enjoyed" quite the opposite. It was a warm, slightly hazy day, a Saturday, Sunday, or holiday when it seemed like everyone else (but me) was together enjoying themselves.  It's the kind of day that used to evoke (karmic?) feelings of loneliness, vague despair, grand malaise, and fear in me....Had forgotten such a mood existed.  How had I managed to avoid it for so long?  Not resisting it was new and almost (but not quite) enjoyable.

 

What is the root of pain?

Ignorance of yourself. 

What is the root of desire? 

The urge to find yourself. 

All creation toils for the self and will not rest until it returns to it.

- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

16 May 08

mid-spring afternoon dream

Talked with DS this afternoon at length about Mysore and Ashtanga Yoga Institute - where to live, what to wear, how to get there, and with whom to connect.  Am shopping for tickets!  Seems with oil prices ever rising - now is time to buy.  Exciting!  Got lots of tips on housing, travel, and what to expect.

Catholicity project - feels HUGE!  Want web site to be as wonderful as art work - so much pressure to make it fabulous - despite (my) limited site-building skills.  Subject to discussion with Kelly, would like to change title to something like "Cathedral: Art and Writing about Catholocism."  (I've ranted so much about my dislike of semi-colons and sub-titles that friends may not allow it.)  Maybe group work by titles of "prayer" "confession" "communion" "grace" "hymn" "rose window" and others.  Better idea may turn up.  Learned a lot at tech session with MAL and opened up to thinking creatively/poetically about site.

We shopped for C's new grand daughter and her older sister yesterday.  Children's clothes are so hip. 

Cooked big dinner for friends - labor intensive Japanese ramp omelets (poured thin and rolled like sushi), soup, stuffed peppers, and home grown lettuce.  A joy to have time to cook.

So now it's time to think about a certain studio with no tools.  Maybe thing to do is move out and realize a fantasy of studio above the pond....

 

2008. February to May