5.24.09
stops along the river
Rainy May, it's pouring again and still. Seems June was always the wet month. Signs of climatic change? Global warming? Well may we wonder...
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We are planning a burro trip with my high school friend and her husband, a trek in the Nevada mountains in July. Exciting. And second week in June going to a Mukti retreat near Charlottesville and then on to DC or NYC. In the meantime daydreaming and planning my "green" studio (guest house on top) with view of pond. And thinning out my possessions - O Peace Pilgrim - inspire me! Also, cleaning, making MD appmts. and generally dealing with all things put on hold during the semester. So the delicious, luxurious summer takes shape.
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Back to normal physically and at Ashtanga class last week, heard that Pattabhi Jois had died. A small, after-class tribute was moving. His students spoke from the heart and told stories of how Ashtanga saved or changed their lives.
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Turkey melodrama - two chicks got caught in the garage/basement when mother entered and departed. How to reunite them? Couldn't send them out alone at night or day - they are prey for everything. Chuck brought them down to our neighbor who has domestic turkey chicks under lights (for warmth). Then I fretted for fear they would end up on someone's dinner table. Those neighbors now apparently have a donkey because we can hear it. Since they have a revolving door of pets, I wonder how long it will be around and if it is being treated ok.
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The "Audience" editor who said my piece was "perfect" made lots of changes in the essay, some of which changed the meaning. I stood ground but got tired of obsessing over it. So much time! Maybe three people will read it...
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More retreat. Garrison Institute is just across the Hudson River from West Point Military Academy. (Kept wondering if their energies cancel each other.) Getting there felt adventuresome and easy despite a few travel anxieties beforehand, and the experience was "right." Chalotte - LaGuardia and there asked one of the information ladies where to get the shuttle to Grand Central. She asked me where I was going, said to skip the shuttle and take bus to Harlem Station (125th and Park, I think) where I could get the line going north to Garrison. Faster and cheaper she said. Hadn't really made up my mind to take her advice when the M60 bus rolled up, and I got on. With help from driver, got off at Harlem. Train station is truly historic, all dark and woody - a step back in time. Just as I bought ticket, I was told the train would arrive any minute. Raced up the stairs, waited 60 seconds and had a great hour-long ride along the Hudson. Like the retreat itself, there was no forcing - just flowing.
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5.15.09
Cooking
After 5 days of a stunning (literally) retreat, something kicked in when it was time to go - fear that had been on holiday. Felt this pressure to get to the airport, felt as if I might not make it home. (Hello, ego.) All the grace of the previous days disappeared, as I spilled my water, didn't wipe it up, rushed through lunch, and got to the Garrison train station. When I finally arrived at the airport, I was 4 hours(!) early for my flight. All the time I knew it didn't feel right.
The good news about this straining was that - just as I got to the terminal and was buying a paper I saw a crowd surrounding someone. Chef Ramsey. I watch only 2 TV programs somewhat regularly. We only get FOX and NC public television and not much interests me, but anything with Ramsey does. So his program is one of the two. ("This Old House" is the other.) Talked about Ramsey here before - he demands chefs be serious about what they are doing and gives them shit when they are not. I admire his absolute dedication to whatever he's doing. So there he was, and I was delighted. Later he looked directly at me with wise eyes. Then this week I dreamed about him, a romantic dream.
So I saw two teachers in one day....
And one other thing about chefs, I absolutely adored (the tv) Chef Julia Child...
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Dazed by retreat. A. wrote a hand-written message to each retreatant,
"The mind can't surrender the mind" - a final blow for a mind that thinks it can. Perhaps more will come out about the retreat later. Or not.
5.2.09
Between Places
Quick trip to Atlanta yesterday for wonderful production of Wagner's Flying Dutchman. By chance found a restaurant about 100 yards from motel called Chin Chin that serves vegetarian (faux) chicken, beef, etc versions of favorite Chinese dishes, Kung Pao and sweet and sour, Gen. Cho, the works. Delish!
Returned today and now back to preparations for retreat. Not quite right healthwise yet. Had to get an antibiotic because the bug refused to go away. Still have a deep cough but guess I'm ready to leave tomorrow for New York.
Article on quiet art was well-received by Audience editor. That's a relief, and amazing since it was written with such a fuzzy head when I felt so crummy. Says he's going to edit some stuff and that's fine. He called it "prefect." Thanks to SJ who read and suggested changes.
Haven't done a thing physical since middle of April - no running, no Ashtanga, just bits of my home yoga practice. Will be like starting over again when I get back.
Pouring hard rain for a couple of days. Green is rich and trees and ground cover filled out almost instantly. Great year for dogwoods. Azaleas are in various stages. Things are in growth mode.
Final crits were last week. Semester is finished.
Hooray for everything!
4.20.09
fuzzy hints
Reading "The Essential Teachings of Zen Master Hakuin" and came across a story about Hakuin staying for a month with a layman and sleeping almost the entire time:
All the time he was there, except when called upon to receive visitors, he devoted to sessions of deep and blissful sleep. His snores reverberated through the house like rumblings of thunder. They shook the foundations. They sent dust storms gusting through the rafters...
Odd behavior, I thought - until I got sick this week and for two and half days and nights mostly slept. It was a wonderful relief from everything - including the ego.
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Nisargadatta web site has revamped, and it's interesting to read about him. How does a holy person, enlightened one act? Honestly I don't know. Just like anyone else probably. Maybe they just say amazingly wise things?
Anyway, here's Jack Kornfield about his visit with Nisargadatta via Nisargadatta site and from "The Eigtfold Path for the Householder":
Someone asks: What can truth or reality gain by all our practice?
He (Nisargadatta) uses truth and love interchangeably. He says:
Nothing whatsoever, of course. But it is in the nature of truth or love, cosmic consciousness, whatever you want to call it, to express itself, to affirm itself, to overcome difficulties. Once you've understood that the world is love in action, consciousness or love in action, you will look at it quite differently. But first your attitude to suffering must change.
Suffering is primarily a call for attention, which itself is a movement of love. More than happiness, love wants growth, the widening and deepening of awareness and consciousness and being. Whatever prevents that becomes a cause of pain, and love does not shirk from pain.
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Dogwood flowers have shown up and green is giving fuzzy, tentative hints. Lots of rain.
4.18.09
during two of the most beautiful days this year....
Sore throat, fever, cough, head-ache, the works - Have been in bed for 2 days. Worst is over. Took an ibuprofin and feel almost human. Strange state. Mental stuff as it was coming on was brutal.
Enforced quiet.
4.8.09
Holy Week
It snowed all day yesterday. Nothing stuck. Still, it was a surprising throwback after several days of temps in the 60's and 70's. Big cherry tree full of achingly pale pink blossoms near the creek may turn brown.
Luxury of Easter break begins. Feels like there's time to really get something done - especially since the faculty evaluation stuff and taxes are done. Yay! Now to start article about Mel Chin and wabi-sabi art.
Here's an email exchange I had with a friend yesterday -
1: I thought you would appreciate this quote I pulled from an interview on Fresh Air with Terry Gross and Patti Smith around the time she was inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame. She was asked about her life-long spiritual inclination and her perceived blasphemous attitude in her lyrics. She said:
"Blasphemy is a form of exploring the whole concept. . . I've often found that the most blasphemous wind up to be the truest believers because they've taken the time to question, pull things apart, be angry and either submit or find certain answers."
2: love that quote. "Exploring the whole concept" really resonates. Seems if we use the word "blasphemy" the way P Smith does - then it's true spirituality.
Example - if we can get ourselves to look honestly and FULLY at even ONE single thing - say Catholicism, then we can move on to other things - such as our egos, pro-lifers, our government, our parents, our jobs, people we have problems with, etc. Eventually we would appreciate and feel compassion for all people and things...
Looking at ALL aspects of Catholicism in art as we did, allowed me to feel an acceptance, peace, respect, and even gratitude for the religion - that I never felt before. Now to do the same - with those other things. ..
Thanks for sharing the thought. Oh, and happy Easter. Did you see the condoms in the tree yesterday? Nice change from the expected eggs, tee hee.
metta
3.29.09
twit suffering
There's something interesting about Twitter - that limit of 140 characters means that it's got to be short and perhaps express what's going on now. Okay, counting spaces that would be it for me!
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And then there's Facebook. Have been so tempted to join (w/fake alias of course) - if just to keep up with my niece's college life or connect with a new (much younger) friend or past student. There's got to be an art piece in all this mass ego baring. Banality turning into momentousness....or just more banality. ..
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If I were Twittering two days ago I would have said: feeling sad, lonely and am running away from it by reading Mistry's "Family Matters" non-stop. Now looking up "Parsi" and "Zoroastrianism" because Mistry is a Parsi and writes about them - and now --- oops then my Twitter character limit would be up.
But I am not on Twitter: now I am looking up "famous Parsis" and see Freddie Mercury, nee Farrokh Bulsara. Who is he? Lead singer of Queen, a major rock band of 70's 80's, one I never paid attention to. Now, for two days I am watching every shallow and/or seductive video on Mercury's life on YouTube. God, is he beautiful and androgynous. Now am an expert on this guy's life, even his sexuality - totally immersed in it, and my suffering forgotten.
My heart aches and I am NOW more sad because I've avoided my scary emptiness and am certain I'll never realize Self in this life time AND my time is running out.
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How we cause ourselves to suffer.
Still amazed and fascinated with Mercury and maybe don't regret vicariously living his life for 2 days. He died in 1991.
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More: I am painfully trapped in silence making loneliness acute. Seems C (and apparently me too) can go forever without talking, and I've begun to resent that energy to connect always (in my view) comes from me.
Where are meaningful connections?
Trapped.
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How we cause ourselves to twitter.
BTW, the red buds are deep crimson and at same time, faint.
faint
loving
kindness
3.23.09
Spring, Day 4:
blossoming
trash
wasabi
myst(e)ry
Daffodils, weeping cherry getting bolder. Forsythia - sparse yellow (not enough sun). Temperatures are cold at night. Magnolia barely open, buds may turn brown. Peepers (tree frogs?) have been silent. White apple blossoms and red cardinal songs are here and there. Day lilies are going strong. Guess even indoor plants know when it's time. Miracles!
Day 1. 3/20 - walk and lunch with NS. Great way to celebrate. We talked non-stop. Then I was off to dismal grad applications. Resistance is futile: the entire grad and undergrad program is in the garbage. Happy spring!
Mel Chin. What a funny, Buddha man artist. Loved his outdated slang - "right on, man." He's cool in an uncool way - naturally cool: he's wabi-sabi !
Am inspired. Chin started his talk with an Elvis song...I squirmed, and then a student (whom he had planted) threw a banana at him. Somehow he tied it all together - Elvis, the Velvet Underground, etc. In his carapace piece, he connected lacy underwear, tribal tattoos, and endangered turtle species. Genius.
Here's part of a friend's email referring to writing by Dave Hickey and David Foster Wallace:
...both point to a shift away from the inflated, the self-important, to something plainer and truer.
Also pointing to something else - Mel Chin.
Plainer, truer is where I want to be and with whatever I do.
The opposite of plainer is profuse. The opposite of wabi-sabi is wasabi. (Just kidding!) Truth through complexity? That's the quality of two books just finished. Am so immersed in Indian novel jag that my eyes hurt! Sacred Games (Chandra) a 900 page book written with such brilliant powers of observation, I almost thought Chandra was a gangster himself. 3-dimensional writing! - with story-lines developing and extending in all directions. Then tenuously in some cases, logically in others, and amazingly the stories touch or intersect.
While Sacred Games was a view mostly from the people who ran things; A Fine Balance (Mistry) was from the perspective of decent, ordinary people dealing with effects of a corrupt government, poverty, heartbreak. They are balancing hope with despair, survival with homelessness, caring with mistrust - and are connecting with one another slowly with compassion and in the face of shocking, heartbreaking events.
Combine these two books with another punch in the stomach - White Tiger, and what a heartbreaking, rich, portrait of modern India one has.
metta
3.16.09
Daffodils, Heart, and Yoginis
There are things happening: light yellow on the forsythia bushes, areas of faint green on the bushes that line Echo Drive. The crocus are doing well and the clumps of snow drops (what I previously called crocus) are almost finished. Weeping cherry has some tentative blossom, and magnolia tree and daffodils are ready to burst. There are also bird songs! It's been rainy for several days (good for ending drought),and there are signs of change. Amazing!
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Mel Chin is coming tomorrow. Trying not to fret over the so-so undergraduate work and lack of it. The students participating in the crit have heart - and at this early stage truly, that's all that matters.
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The yoga workshop with David Williams was good. He spent two sessions telling about his life as an Ashtang yoga legend - (my words), and that was perhaps the best part, as helpful as the yoga. He went through first and second series. He has an aware and thoughtful approach that resonates for me: we must use common sense: look at, find, and/or corroborate truth from within our own bodies and in our mental stillness.
In India I often thought what a brilliant business man Jois is and wondered why the obsession so many have to study with him. The scene seems tribal and false in some ways. Glad we ended up with BNS Iyengar. Williams' sense of focus and time with Jois in his early teaching days, is the ideal. Just as with Zen, it seems there is a generation of American teachers who are brilliant and "better" (at least for me) than their Japanese or Indian counterparts - examples - Huber, Adyashanti, Williams.
I asked about my crummy balance and DW said to ask an MD attending the workshop - even tho he had said his own balance was bad. Anyway, the doc said if one had balance when younger - one should still have it. Losing ability to balance has nothing to do with aging. He recommended an eyes, ears, nose, and throat doc. I can live with it. No plans to be a kick-ass yogini. Still, I'd like to be able to do all those standing postures...(All Ashtangis apparently have this type A drive.)
I love this yoga in its compassionate form. It dovetails with my other spiritual practices perfectly. After every class, seems I am filled with silence, quiet joy, and gratitude. The blessings of exhaustion perhaps.
metta
3.8.09
Paradise Lost Found Lost Found Lost Found Lost.....
...and we're back to Paradise Here - sunny skies, temperatures in the 70's, thriving white clumps of croci, open windows and doors.
My karma to stay with a seriously Catholic couple, owners of the B&B in Hawaii. (They were both very nice, really). Highlight was reconnecting with grad school friend Diane, also in the Shoebox Exhibit. We critiqued the show, and picked a favorite piece - an abacus with a single very large amber glass bead titled "One Day of Happiness."
D and I restarted where we left off 15 years ago - (though we've talked many times on the phone.) She's a remarkable person and friend - a little Buddha really. Saw her home, studio, bunny rabbit Sprinkles, pictures of her daughters, parents, and we discussed doing a collaboration. She's done some interesting full moon pieces - with a camera, and I told her about my year of (full) moon walks. We'll see.
No time really for beach and snorkeling which I hoped to do. At C's request, went to WW II USS Arizona monument - something I had no desire to ever do. It's a good thing to be open. The monument itself was brilliant, all white, open to the sky, and built on top of sunken Arizona, a tomb to thousands of men. I was moved. It's an equal to Maya Lin's Viet Nam Memorial - and that's saying a lot.
We did Ashtanga Mysore style for a few days (before pooping out) and an amazing hike above the B&B - 360 degree views - wow. Other events - terrible meal in fabulous Chinatown, drive up North shore, tourist surfers getting a lesson at Waikiki beach, accomplished surfers elsewhere, sushi, Contemporary Art Museum, and persistant wind. Was amazed by changes - lots of city energy and hope to return to other islands.
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A corner has been turned here in Waynesville, spring is definitely coming - and so are classes this Tuesday.
metta
Where is god?
God is everywhere. |
