2.27.09
Stringing Beads
It is spring break.
Where does personal anger come from?
Time to regroup and ground. Yes, ground: left my grade book in sculpture lab yesterday - with all the essay papers in it. Also am on verge of again feeling personally negative about Mr. Chair. It's so easy - like falling asleep - for me to cross the line and feel dislike and/or disgust for him. Have been within sight of that line several times this week...
Yoga class yesterday - couldn't muster energy for more than a few routine "chatturangas." Usually my body loves 'em.
It's warmer and C heard the frogs again - so somehow they survived.
Are most dreams the sleep version of mind chatter?
Tomorrow: Atlanta and La Traviata. By Sunday afternoon we'll be at the Shoebox opening in Honolulu if all goes well.
Checked out the Andy Warhol Foundation Grants on-line today (for Catholicity.) It's perfect for funding a catalogue or getting Eleanor Heartney to come down. The deadline is March 1. Won't be making that one unless HB goes for it.
Have signed up for a retreat in NY right after classes end. Seems perfect and there happened to be an opening. Also, an excuse to go to NYC and enjoy culture before taking train to Garrison.
Why is there a hurtful edge to things lately?
Lola pulled off the 'M' 'N' and '7' keys on my laptop. Made me think of Mela.....small gasp, sudden pang....
Everything seems so poised for the big change - spring, and as if S. India weren't enough - Tropicana here we come.
Aloha.
2.21.09
mid-winter musings
There was a warm stretch a couple of weeks ago and voilå - all the crocus came up, and here it was- the dead of winter! It's freezing again, so they've closed and are huddled together waiting for the 16 degree nights to end. We heard frogs too- not peepers - these had lower croaks - in the pond. Fear they may not have made it.
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Signed up for David Williams Ashtanga workshop (full by the time C tried today.) Williams was early P Jois disciple who has been practicing continuously for over 30 years. He's in his 60's now and it's good (for us) to see someone doing this yoga who is over 40! I want to ask him why my balance is so crummy. Is it the ringing in my ears, age, or lack of drishti?
Yoga seems a good way (for me) to trick the mind/ego into silence for a while. Any attempt to try to achieve a certain enlightened state - is a function of the ego (which doesn't necessarily mean one shouldn't try anyway). So the oblique approach, focusing on movement drops me/one in the present and is often followed by mental silence, emptiness. Seems I'm so physically pushed with Ashtanga that there's no energy left to support, feed ego. It relaxes its grip, drops away.
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The hubbub of recent WCU melodrama peaked last Wednesday when I couldn't call anyone because duh! I had misplaced my phone. Couldn't drive anywhere because duh! the keys were in the house. Couldn't get back in the house because duh! I had locked myself out. Had to break a window and crawl in through the basement. Duh! There's a metaphor in here somewhere.
Good news was rain stopped during the hour I was outside.
As for WCU and Chair (see 2/16) - JJ and I had a happenstance opportunity to sit and chat with him for about 30 minutes last week. No, he's not a villain. He may be sloppy, and not live up to my ideas of quality and how he should lead, but the rest of the stuff was a fabrication of an overactive mind riding trains. My judgments were contaminated.
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There's a lot being written about India these days relating to slums, poverty, and the movie "Slumdog Millionaire." An article in "New Yorker" titled "Letter from Bombay" supports the fictionalized reality of two books I read/am reading "White Tiger" and "Sacred Games": institutionalized police & government corruption, hopeless poverty, filth, disparity between rich and poor, indifference of the rich, and anger of the poor.
NY Times Op-Ed page published an article about slums. It made me think. Movies like "Slumdog Millionaire" expose and challenge the status quo. Upper class Indians (like those who wrote the NY Times article) are threatened by the revelations about their country, their indifference, and they want to whitewash the "slums." Those in slums are offended by the word slumdog. Everyone is in a state of alert, anger, or concern about this movie and the issues it raised.
And me? Can I ethically go to India and stay oblivious to the poor? The suffering? What a privileged life I lead. How can I be in better harmony with others' lives?
*
Look forward to a day of not going anywhere but to Junaluska for a run and starting the (dreaded) task of organizing taxes. A privileged life, indeed.
metta
2.16.09
vicus verum as opposed to labrum verum
Oh, dear. Forget everything I wrote in the last post. I'm hopelessly attached to everything in every way. Well, maybe it's possible for both states - attachment and observation, non-attachment - to be true simultaneously. If it is, then that's what's happening. It feels more like experiencing the other end of the spectrum though.
Have been so frustrated at work and after a very brief conversation with Dept. Head (he prefers to be called Director), I realized I've been flinging (not fluffing) my ego around at work lately in ways that have caused me and others suffering. We also had an email exchange. See my part of it italicized below (his has been omitted as have specifics.)
During our little talk yesterday, you said we did not have good communication. Have been thinking about your comment. Feel that it's true and partly my fault. I think I have felt personally dismayed with what I perceive as your lack of interest in a quality program - even after the entire faculty had expressed its concerns to you.
You seem like a decent person who is performing to the best of your abilities. I will try not to let my personal feelings interfere with professional behavior - and I offer apologies for when it does.
**
I agree - quality - (like ethics and professionalism)- is hard to define; however ...I do recall faculty being very specific in how they wanted to see "quality" manifested in the department at a meeting two years ago. Either way, the past is the past.
Then how do we each individually and then collectively define quality? Maybe that question should come first. Did you read my (words omitted) document? It might be a one to use as a start for assessing quality and standards.
Indeed, if we do ALL have different views, I would like to know HOW they are different. And what are your ideas of quality? What is your vision for the department? If your ideas are different from mine, HOW are they different? And what is our common ground? Where do we agree and where do we all respectfully disagree?
(Name omitted) brought to light, outlined important issues. Without a similar, regular open exchange of ideas and information at meetings - I believe these issues will remain unresolved and may build up - like steam in a sealed tea kettle.
I hope we can - exchange ideas, visions, and make goals that everyone can work toward. I know I am not alone feeling concern mixed with hope that we develop clarity, that we define OUR grass root goals, rather than having goals, words, and images imposed on us by those outside the department. Internally developed goals are heartfelt and free of the ("spirit-numbing" -words not in email) administrative language of mission statements, external branding, numbers etc. Our goals exist in the concrete day-to-day realities of building creative, artistic, instructional excellence from within. Defining what we want and finding common ground is the pathway to harmony, success, and is an easy, organic, on-going process.
My two cents - and a shot at communication - given in the spirit of honesty and hopefulness. If I can do anything to facilitate and support the open discussion, resolution, and clarifying of these issues, please let me know.
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There is something that accompanies a judgment that takes it beyond neutral observation. I envision it as the difference between watching a train goes by and boarding it. I've been climbing on (enthusiastically) and riding the train. My judgments have had an angry or hateful edge.
**
Grateful to the friends who have helped me sort through this issue. It feels better. Was so discouraged, felt such despair. Have ranted about the Culture of Mediocrity and a part of me enjoyed it. It doesn't seem so important any more.
**
There's a lot of other stuff going on, but this is what has come up at this moment.
metta
2.1.09
labrum verum
Have been preoccupied with "bathtub wisdom," a friend calls it - insights while soaking in a hot bath AND with plans for Hawaii. We are going to Shoebox Exhibit opening at University of Hawaii March 1 and staying for a few days to visit with grad school friend, do some Ashtanga, and soak up some more tropical sun.
My hot water insights were precipitated in part the day before - by a faculty meeting where everyone including me - was furious. And then I walked out of it not caring a bit about what had made me so mad - as if I had just walked out of a movie. Do enjoy a good debate and being outraged by the injustice of administrators. Cheri Huber might say with a twinkle in her eye - "You fluffed your aura!" (Isn't that just the funniest way of putting it?) Enjoy your little teapot storm, she is saying.
Then came many insights about allowing, just allowing things to happen even if I'm afraid of what (I think) will happen. Have to say the Big Bang really opened me up, because in my heart I refused to form an opinion about this teacher to explain our interaction. Since then it seems I am less able to believe many thoughts. Here's what I wrote to a friend after that hot bath:
There are beginnings of look-seeing what is as opposed to what I think is - and that space between: not knowing and allowing scary or other places to be, allowing....
watching without attachment - opinions, judgments, desires, and what I think is - to come to go-
wondering -- if I connect with a friend/friends will I know what to say - or have anything to say?
Have felt so disconnected from people lately (or maybe I'm just accepting how I've always been?) I understand why some people join monasteries or retreat to a cave for years. Maybe it's safer than facing fears of what will happen if one unhooks from conditioning - which is the glue that binds (most of) us together and which we often reinforce in each other. So I think.
metta
1.21.09
Overdoses
Okay. Yesterday was a total OVERDOSE of inauguration, politics, Obama, nationalism, tribal mind set, etc etc. What was I thinking? Should have known it was too much when I started critiquing Michelle Obama's clothes....and wondering if I should join Facebook to add my own comments to CNN.com. Yikes.
Okay. That said, now just one teensy last word about Obama's speech: no, it did not transport me (nor apparently many others) as I expected it to, but I'm thinking that was not the intention. Whether consciously done or not - that speech was to ground us all, bring our hopes, expectations back to earth, reality, and the serious problems facing the world. Let him blow our minds - which he most certainly has the ability to do as an orator and writer - in his NEXT inaugural speech when the work of recovering is done.
**
In India had another episode (perhaps its the last one left?) of a life-long recurring anxiety dream. Didn't wake up in a sweat, but the concern was VIVID:
It was about two babies I was overjoyed at having/caring for. But then at some point - I dream-realized that I had forgotten about them and had not fed them. Were they OK? How could I forget? How? How? In a very concerned and upset state, and before I could find out if the babies were still there (they seemed to have disappeared) I woke up, sad and still upset.
It used to be about forgetting to feed a bird or a parakeet, and I would dream-feel so miserable looking at the hulls of bird seed in its cage. This baby dream was much more subtle or just more direct. Also, hints of that anxiety when I let Lola out in cold weather, go to my computer, and forget about her for from 10 to 30 minutes....
These dreams are at the core of something. What -- I am not certain.
**
Snowbound for two days. Feel like I've been on another planet and lack the "correct" mind set to teach class tomorrow! More to come about India. Gotta tell about Santa Claus being blown up in Fort Cochin. Big smile.
metta
1.20.09
Barack Obama : Inauguration Day
CNN.com with Facebook's (distracting comments to the right of the screen) broadcast inauguration events live today on the net, and I've been glued to the computer. Yes, like many who were watching (they said so in their comments) I teared up. Obama's speech felt full of hope, promise - for peace, the environment, economy, concern for welfare of all. Momentous! Heart-warming. Elation here!
Hooray.
Lots of gaps - so many faces mostly African American distinguished guests who were not identified. News channels should be subject of a satire sketch which shows them unable to identify Obama, Rev Jesse Jackson, etc!
Michelle Obama wore gold - and looked cold. (Wish I had been in charge of her attire!) First daughters looked adorable.
Aretha Franklin's "God Bless America" was perfectly sung and moving. Aretha is someone who is called the Queen (of Soul) for a reason. She occupies (a lot of) space with dignity, dressed all in gray with sparkles on her hat.
Music by John Williams played by quartet of YoYo Ma, Perleman, a fabulous Af Am flute player, and a pianist. Wiliiams's composition played on musical themes of Aaron Copland's "Appalachian Spring" Simple Gifts" - delightful sound reflection of what was in my heart: sense of purity, joy, hope, simplicity.
Dr./Rev Lowery's benediction was a spark of humor, honesty. (He's they guy we saw in Atlanta who was "sponsor" of Aretha Franklin concert about a year ago.)
Here at home because of snow. Would have watched on big screen with classes at WCU. Big Day. Just like after the election - can't get enough of it.
1.18.09
abundant, dense, elaborate, extensive, extravagant, exuberant, flourishing,
lavish, luscious, opulent, ornate,
overgrown, prodigal, prolific, rank, rich, riotous,
ripe, sensuous, teeming
*
Still enjoying the "natural" jet lagged tendency to go to sleep at between 7 and 9 pm and rise at between 3 and 5 am. Who knew it was so peaceful and that one could get so much done in those quiet hours? After rising slowly, ample time to do yoga, meditate, and prep classes, all unexpected early-morning joys.
COLD! What a shock to exist and rise in temperatures of about 54 indoors and 12 outdoors - after a month of being either perfectly warm or hot.
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There are images of India that exist in my mind's eye only. I found photo-taking separating - and difficult to do. Often didn't even try. During the first part of (failed) walk around Arunachala was stunned by the visual and physical excitement and elation (!) of being in India and merging with the huge circumnavigating crowd. As we walked we passed pockets of people - faces of sadhus glowing beneath ashen foreheads, energies matching their orange robes. Then the group of lepers lying on the street in varying degrees of disintegration (?) surprised and moved me. We walked with, passed, and lagged behind family groups and packs of males, all stopping periodically to eat, sit at the multitude of places to refresh, shops that probably go up once every full moon.
Oh, the colors - S Indian women are fond of and look gorgeous in the brightest of bright colors. It's not just the colors - there's an enormous, almost overwhelming richness, a bounty, of people, colors, patterns, smells, cars, fruit, buildings, food, temples, garbage, autorichashaws......It's the full spectrum of stimuli to the senses and it struck at the heart of ...something austere, simple, clear....
Now for an austere run.
metta
January 11, 2009
blink again
Click for December to 1/11 entries -
We're back - but not really. Have been in a limbo-like space - neither here nor in India. Existing between waking lassitude and intermittent deep sleep - not hearing phone calls, etc. Delayed luggage arrived.
Classes start on Tuesday. Much to do. Maybe go to Asheville for yoga today and make an attempt to ground myself.
Lola is following me everywhere.
Okay more to come.
December 6
blink
It's about 6pm Saturday. Sitting here in the midst of travel-prep frenzy feeling gratitude and appreciation. Deep long breath.
So in a blink of an eye we'll be back from India. Time is so amazing. It IS an illusion. I see/feel that at times. All we can do is relax and enjoy things because soon it will be over, and everything else, too.
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Some wonderful sculpture for the finals last week. Teaching has become easier, joyful and when I think of quitting, it's always because of administration, bureaucracy.
Finally read all the art history candidates' data. Enjoyed it -- and it made me tired. Some good ones.
*
Last entry before leaving for India, and full moon at Arunachala awaits. I'll be thinking of the NC moon as we walk around the mountain....
metta
Where is god?
God is everywhere. |
