<8.20.09>

Eyes tired from working on the first finished draft of Warhol grant. Sent it off to 3 friends to critique and then had another look. Saw all kinds of awkwardness and mistakes. Sometimes things are not much better than before they've been fussed over for 2 days non-stop. Well, that's how it feels right now.

And the Peace Pilgrim piece. Fussed over too much also. It was never intended to be a big deal. I don't care for it much at the moment - tho it's not near done.

The world as I know it - is coming to an end. Yes, my free-spirited summer is about to end with the beginning of fall semester in 9 days.

Northern clouds are orange pink against pale pale blue and silhouette the trees. Crickets chirp.

The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keepin' on like a bird that flew,
Tangled up in blue.

An artist I know is doing an investigation in which she compares her visual self with her feelings to find out which she truly is. (She also posts fascinating daily observations on Facebook.) Worthy considerations. It's not difficult to believe I am one or both (feelings and physical self) while at the same time neither....

It's been a difficult month in some ways. Feel (aha, feelings..) as if I've been scratching at a rock cliff. Resistance to changing events and relationships, heart closing off = suffering.

On the other hand there's been much joy in working on this grant proposal and being in the studio again.

Enjoyed reconnecting with very first NC friend and cooking for her and others this weekend.

Cicada crescendo-esque hissing, katydids rhythmic clacking against a background of crickets: Did you know that cicadas make sounds only in the daytime; katydids only at night and are silent after about 3AM? Sometimes the 3 sound-makers overlap in the evening?

Lots of rain. Everything is lush and yet there are hints that summer has peaked - the locust trees have turned brownish and here and there, a stray leaf falls on the (new) deck. Aware that summer - as I know it - is going to end fairly soon with the start of another semester.

Bronze and aluminum pour with students at the Green Energy Park in Dillsboro yesterday. Finally a foundry - without going through the administration! And this is much better. It's green - the furnace is powered by land-fill gases - the first such foundry, we think - in the USA.

C left yesterday on a road trip to PA and IL and I am enjoying solitude. Quiet is the "source" and today for the first time in a few weeks - I was able to rest in it.

Dinner last week with friend, once Zennie and now Tibetan Buddhist who has found her guru. He sounds wonderful: calls someone who drives you crazy, always makes you mad, etc - your Famous Person. We laughed and both said we knew who ours are (mine is at work!) and she said she thought she was someone else's Famous Person. More laugher.

Interesting. I note recently there are people who though they may not quite be a Famous Person - inspire a physical reaction. It is one of alarm -- might not be quite the right word. That is, I want to get out of their presence as soon as possible. It feels urgent to do so.

The trip West continues to resonate. It was an intense experience and a joy. The Oregon Shakespeare Festival was fabulous - four plays in two days. Macbeth was a winner - starring the same wonderful African American actor Peter Macon who played Othello last year. It was done in 30's costume with the men in Nazi-like clothing (a reviewer called it "fascist chic"). It worked!! Much Ado about Nothing was also fabulous. In the new theater - we saw an adapted Italian comedy/farce - The master of Two Servants from the 16th century that was good. And a contemporary play about William Shakespeare - Equivocation - was well liked and well reviewed. However it seemed too long and self-indulgent to me.

Working on a piece inspired by Peace Pilgrim who truly inspires me in all ways. First large scale thing I've done since the studio was robbed. No idea whether it will be good or bad - but do it I must and am enjoying.

Last week - at U every day. Met with Martin about the Warhol Foundation grant and with Green Energy People about collaborating with their resources - space and green energy and our equipment, and all other times worked on my piece. Very excited about all projects. In fact, it was one of the few times I've been in the building that nothing felt like "work."

Still mixed feeling about Facebook. I may bolt soon. In the meantime - keeping up with West Coast family and a few friends from all over.

Back yesterday late. The Nevada sun fried this brain. Feel like after a powerful retreat - empty (mu) headed and patching a self back together.

Getting away from the accustomed - regular habits and grooves - opens everything WIDE. Five days and four nights in the wilderness - hiking along the Reese River up to Jett Canyon to about 9000 feet, it was a wonderful and difficult environment for me, minimal compared to our baroque landscape here. The sky is vast - leaving one feeling very expansive and/or very vulnerable. In my case, mostly vulnerable since I am accustomed to the protection of green and trees. Opposite in another way too - its so dry I got little nosebleeds.

Interesting to get glimpses into the life's passion/work of others. My high school friend Karen has been a wilderness advocate for decades and her husband Dan, a national forest ranger. They experience the outdoors with an understanding and love of it that is well beyond that of an ordinary hiker. They've done six week and more - outings in the wilderness and faced down grizzly bears - once in a dramatic all-night encounter. Theirs seems to be a spiritual practice without the self-consciousness of actually making it or saying it's that....if that makes sense.

Interesting also to share extended periods of time with others. Went along with the nightly cocktail hour every night and enjoyed it. Their burros carried almost everything including alcohol, food - -(D & K went vegetarian for the trip), extra clothing, and all gear. Also appreciated Dan's sense of humor, the spirit of debate in our nightly discussions, and getting to (perhaps) really know an old friend again. Maybe not again but truly - for the first time.

All within the very intense backdrop of hiking in the heat, loading and unloading burros daily (mostly by them, the greenhorns - us -somewhat assisting), setting up camps, glaring sun (gave me headaches), grand scenery, cooking/eating al fresco, and delicate, exquisite wildflowers everywhere. Lots of river crossings without bridges, etc. Fell on my face in an off day when I was hopping stones.

A haunting encounter with a young man at a (to me) desolate stop, Middlegate: he was so friendly and yet behind his eyes was a blankness. Wish I'd talked to him... And the "wild" west felt so palpable - everywhere. To top it off we visited a dinosaur era find - the ichthyosaur remains near an abandoned mining camp at what is now the Berlin Ichthyosaur State Park.

Maybe more about this and Shakespearean festival later. Good to be there. Good to be home.

Spoke with a nephew yesterday. The money crunch in California is not good. He lost his computer-wizard job and is looking for another. He sounded upbeat.

Quite a salesman that guy. Got me to sign up for Facebook so I can find out what family is doing on the west coast. Joining felt like taking medicine. Am not one for crowds, and as stated here before, I don't at all mind that few read MU. (Read or unread - either way, it exists indifferently, impassively.) On the other hand, FB feels full of obligations and -- posturing. MU is free of the former and does little of the latter.

And there's something else that makes me uncomfortable about FB -the self-conscious presentation of the self, posturing again. Maybe delete page soon....now?

Small voice: one can do Facebook without posturing. It's the tribal thing you hate, isn't it?

Had a frenzy of creative energy relating to the Warhol Grant in developing ideas for three shows (including Catholicity). Suggested to MDW that we put the 3 (for final proposal) shows under the conceptual category of HYBRIDS or CROSSROADS.

8.2 mile (round trip) hike to Shining Rock Gap yesterday. First part gradual up - then later - straight up. OMG we were exhausted! On the other hand, it's one of the most beautiful hikes in the area - I think. Trail runs along Shining Creek and is almost totally in shade. Lots of small waterfalls, huge boulders and the Rosebay rhododendron and mountain laurel were in bloom.

Am always shocked when I cannot easily do what I did 25 or more years ago. By the time we got back my hips, legs, feet, and toes were in total rebellion - painful and rubbery - leading to a lot of uncoordinated moves like tripping, slipping on the rock while washing my sweaty face, etc! (I had wanted to go swimming anyway.) Expected to be wiped out today, but C ran and we plan to go to Ashtanga later.

And it's 2/3 of the way to Cold mountain - so that may be the next jaunt after upcoming burrito trek in Nevada. Am collecting scary campsite stories and Karen says Dan has Liar Contest stories.

While we're gone - back deck and demolition of bathroom will be completed. Concerned about the boy-cats - they are skittish with strangers. Buster came back with a wound on his ear this week. After vet visit, he's ok and cried ALL night to wanting go out.

Other concerns - art making and working with the Museum Director to develop Warhol Grant.

Simple pleasures - watching fireflies light up yard; drinking a cold beer after a long hike.

Dream, first night of retreat:

I am dying and watching myself die. Taking an inhalation and thinking - THIS IS SO EASY. Spaces between breaths are merely getting longer. My next breath may be the last one. THIS IS SO EASY. Watching. Watching breaths, enjoying. Guess it was the last. No problem. EASY. . .Thought it meant a big struggle. So I'm dead. Hmmm, still observing...

(By the way, who is noticing I'm dead?)

Woke up. Inhaled deeply. Who knew it could be so easy? Thought: may death of whatever needs to die be so effortless, watchable, without struggle, and - interesting.

Quiet art in NYC at the Sculpture Center in Queens, Charles Ray show in Chelsea, and at New Museum. In Chelsea gallery, Ray showed three pieces - a string from ceiling to floor saturated with ink (read later it's done with pumps), two pieces of wire barely noticeable extending from wall that moved when one approached, and a spinning circle in and of the floor. Liked title of the New Museum show best -"Younger than Jesus" - a large group show. A few pieces stuck in my mind: a woman asleep (under the influence of a sleeping pill) in a white bed in the middle of gallery, a wall of drawings with accompanying video - by an artist's grandmother. More about all this later.

We found a gourmet vegan restaurant - Blossom - right around the corner from Leo house - the CATHOLIC retreat house, hotel where we stayed in Chelsea. Leo House is in a great location and is a clean, quiet place with lots of interesting people. Did I say this? -- and it's (relatively) cheap. Requires reservation 3 months ahead or the luck of a cancellation and a phone call at the right moment - how we made it this time. Another important requirement: you have to be comfortable with a crucifix in your room. Tee hee.

The day we went to the Sculpture Center was pouring rain. We came up from the subway in Queens and had no idea which direction to walk toward Purves. Finally after asking various people we arrived -- soaking wet.

Heard after returning that Lola had caused big anxiety in our absence. She apparently hid in one of her secret hiding places for two days. I go a little berserk when she doesn't come when called so I know the kind of suffering such events can cause. What to do about these rascally cats...

Ashtanga today. Yes!


	All art is quite useless. - Oscar Wilde