Losing Some Stuff
Before I went on my first retreat
about three years ago, I had been playing a lot of computer solitaire –
in every spare moment. After the retreat, I no longer had any desire to
engage in that activity and dropped it immediately and completely. Since
then with each successive retreat, I have released other habits and activities.
It pleases me to envision some day after many retreats, having dropped
everything extra, there will be nothing left of “me.”
The day was not going well.
My project seemed an exercise in futility – nothing was operating as it
should. As I sat contemplating all the ways it and I were failing, a
familiar numbness moved through my body and mind: what’s the use, this is
never going to work, give it up.
I decided to go for a run.
The sky was a rich blue and the air crisp. I took a deep breath, and
there were the mountains. In an area where no sun had reached,
frost covered the trees, a shadow denied.
I finished running
and returned to